Judging Parents!

I recently shared with a friend that my five year old son has been having some bed-wetting issues.  Something that I know could be a phase and is often quite common especially among boys.  I was merely sharing from one parent to another a frustration about having to change the sheets everyday!  Instead of getting a little understanding I was met with a statement about her son having stopped doing that at 3 and it must be behaviour and needs to be dealt with.  Even though I have done my research and know that it's not a major cause for concern at this point my friends statement made me feel like she thought I was a bad mother and that my son was not normal.
It frustrates me to no end when parents judge each other.  We all know how hard raising kids is and some days are good and some days are very hard. Why do some parents refuse to admit that?  Why do they need to pretend that their families run so much more smoothly than others?  It just makes everybody feel so badly and inadequate.
I remember seeing a scene from the first season of Desperate Housewives where Lynette has a breakdown because she is finding parenting to be so hard and everyone else makes it look so easy for them. Her friends start telling her difficult times that they also had with their kids and she says how we need to be sharing that stuff!  I completely agree.  When I ask a friend how things are going at home I don't want to hear how she is absolutely loving every minute of raising her little angel!  I want her to share with me the good times and the difficult.  We are friends and should be supporting each other.
The love I have for my kids is so great that it's almost impossible to describe.  Every parent can relate to that.  I love watching them grow up. I love watching them learn new things. I love cuddles at bedtime and reading stories... I could go on and on but the truth is parenting is very, very hard!  It's not fun being woken up every night!  It's not fun to be cleaning up vomit and diarrhea!  It's not fun to be in a grocery store when your child starts throwing a fit (and yes, it has happened to you!).
By sharing our experiences and being honest we are not saying that we love our kids any less.  We are merely helping each other as parents get through the day and feel better that, as hard as it is, and as many times as we think we are probably scarring our children for life by not being able to get them to be compliant to our every request, we are probably doing ok.  As parents we don't need to be perfect.  We need to be loving, we need to try our hardest and we need to be honest.
When we see the mom or dad struggling to get their 2 year old to get their coat on at daycare.  Instead of just watching and ushering our kids (who happen to be compliant that day) out maybe we should say- do you need help?  or my kids were like that yesterday!  It's unbelievable how that little phrase can help when the parent just feels like everybody is watching and judging!

Here's a clip I found of Lynette's best moments in season one... I hope it helps!  I know it does for me.

Dating to Not Regret

Everyone wants to be in love.  It doesn't stop because life is busy it just becomes complicated to fit it in.  I work full time as a teacher.  A job I love but that takes a lot of energy.  I then also have full custody of two beautiful young boys who, again, I adore but take a tremendous amount of energy!  When I do manage to get some time off going on a first date is the LAST thing I want to do!   I'm busy now and quite content actually.  I have a job I love and my boys take up the rest of my time.  Although the thought of being in a relationship is nice it's not something that I feel is imperative to my immediate happiness.  I feel quite fulfilled as it is so why would I waste the precious few moments of relaxation into the ultra stressful event of a first date!  Well, mostly because I know that I do want a happy fulfilling relationship eventually and I don't want to ever look back and say that I never even tried.
I hate dating!  The thought of meeting a man for a first date makes me feel sick to my stomach and very unwell.  Every time I have ever been on my way to a first date I would ask myself: "why do you put yourself through this misery?  It's the most uncomfortable thing I could put myself through.  I must be a masochist!" ... Well, not really, I just, like most people, want to be in love.  I really like the idea of growing old with someone.  I figure I'm young, early 30's and if I don't at least try, will I regret it 15 years from now when my boys are about ready to start their own lives and I will be alone with a very quiet empty nest?
So I'm going to keep trying and going to set up my online profile and squeeze it in in the moments few and far between when the boys are with their father or being babysat by my father or brother.  Maybe it will work out, maybe it will just give me some funny stories to share, a few free coffees or maybe I will meet the love of my life.... anything is possible! Gotta stay optimistic!

Do Nothing Weekends

We did nothing this weekend.  I always have big plans for the weekend.  I want to get all the chores done that I don't have the time to get to during the week.  Problem is that by the time the work week is done I am exhausted!  I feel very bad about it.  I SHOULD be going out with my boys bringing them to a place like the children's museum or even at least to the park but we didn't.  We hardly got out of our pyjamas this weekend.
It's one of the hard things about being a single mom.  I am constantly feeling like I should be doing more and then feeling guilty when I can't.  This weekend was not my proudest moment.  I get so tired that all I want to do is lounge on the couch and watch mindless tv.  I know I should be cleaning the floor or bringing the kids out but I sometimes just don't have the energy.  When the kids were younger I had nap time that I used to take as my 'do nothing' time but they no longer nap during the day at home.  I miss it!
I'm not always like this.  Some weekends I am really proud of myself for all the things I get done but sometimes the exhaustion just kicks in.  I have to say this because I have to remind myself that it's ok to have 'do nothing' weekends sometimes and that I do do a lot most of the time.  I guess it's hard because my house is never sparkling clean and I often have a basket of laundry lying somewhere waiting to be folded.  It's hard for me to say to myself - it's ok.

Birthday Mommy Guilt!

Can you ever really shake away the Mommy Guilt?  Today is my youngest son's birthday.  He is 4 years old.  After work yesterday I brought my oldest son to his drama class and then planned on rushing to buy a cake for the daycare before I had to pick him up.  Didn't think it would be so hard except that every cake I could come across in that hour had that little warning at the bottom of the ingredients list: May have come into contact with tree nuts!  Of course his daycare is peanut-free so I can't get any of those cakes.  As the clock was ticking I was getting more and more panicked that I wouldn't find his cake.  That's when the mommy guilt started to set in.  I could hear the little voice inside my head say: "I should have baked him a cake myself" (don't know when but I should have), "I should have spent the extra money and ordered a cake from a fancy bakery where I could make sure it was peanut free" (not really in my budget, but again, I should have).  Finally the hour was up when I had to go pick up my son from Drama class and I was cake-less- "Worst Mother of the Year".
Thankfully, my father agreed to help me and he is running around right now trying to get a cake for him to bring to the daycare.  I know it will be ok but I can't shake this Mommy Guilt!
That's one of the things that's hard about being a single, working parent.  You want to be able to get everything done but the fact is, there just aren't enough hours in the day!  I can get through the day-to-day pretty well but special events just throw me for a loop.  Thank goodness that I have the support from my father and brother to help me out because I don't know how I would be able to get things done otherwise.  I want to be able to give my kids everything they would get if they were part of a two parent home but sometimes I just can't.  I don't like to complain about it.  It's not really my style and I don't want anybody feeling sorry for me.  I love my life it's just hard sometimes.

Getting Fit

The last time I had a physical my doctor said that I should be exercising more.  I know this, I have never really been a very sporty girl and now especially, other than running after my two boys- I don't have time to do much.  It was especially daunting when she said I should be doing at least 45 minutes, 3-4 times a week.  What?  When?!  Finding extra time for anything, especially time for me is always difficult.  Also, if I do manage to get some time off, the last thing I want to do is exercise.  I knew I had to come with a better idea.
One afternoon, as I was watching my kids play their Wii and trying to figure out how to get THEM off the couch it came to me.  If I can't beat them, join them!  I decided that we would all start exercising with the video game.
So, we got the "Wii Fit Plus", the balance board and a couple of nunchuk controls.  We were on our way!  I have to admit, so far it's been quite a success.  I am moving more, the boys join me and get to choose the exercises that I do.  They sometimes have me just run the basic run or sometimes even have a snowball fight on the game.  It's actually fun.  It' not very high intensity which is good for me right now as I am just beginning but enough to get me sweating a little bit.  As I get used to these exercises I might try out some games with a little more intensity.  It will also be warmer weather outside, so hopefully I will continue exercising out in the real world.  It was just the thing to help me move more.  Another bonus is that the Wii fit doesn't cut into my "me time".  It's something I do with the boys and it gets all of us exercising.

New Best Friend: Super Mario

My kids have recently discovered Super Mario Bros.  They didn't really understand that it was a game at first- just 2 characters that would be fun to look like for Halloween.  It didn't take them long before they soon discovered that these two fun Italian plumbers were also part of a video game.  I caved and got a Wii, partly because I was feeling nostalgic and was looking forward to reliving playing Mario myself but also thought that it would be harmless fun for my boys.  What I didn't expect was the obsession that would soon take over.  The first thing they want to do in the morning is play Mario, I more than once had to unplug the console from the TV to get them the stop.  My boys even sometimes refer to themselves as Mario and Luigi.  Mommy guilt has firmly set in.  What have I done?  How could I let it get this far?  Last weekend I wasn't feeling very well and I have to admit that I turned on the video game and I was able to stay in bed and relax a bit while they played... Mommy guilt.
The truth is that I don't think that video games are all bad.  I think they help kids learn that practice make perfect and to persevere until they get it.  The trouble is they are so attractive to kids that it can often take over and it's all that they want to do.  I came across the following article from Circle of Mom: 8 Limits Make Video Games Good Your Kids by Sharon Silver. Reading it was such a life-saver for me.  It helped me realize that I could allow them to play the games but still find a balance with the rest of their life.  I especially liked the 3 rules that the author outlined:

1. Frustration = taking a break, like it or not.

2. Not Sharing = timers are used to make sure things stay fair.

3. Negotiations or begging for more time = no play for 24 hours.

They are simple, easy for kids of all ages to understand and clear.  I can now allow my boys to play with a little less Mommy guilt knowing that there are limits.  I also try to vary the games up like the author suggested so that I can try to make sure that some play time is a little more educational or active at times.

Things are not perfect, as I am writing this my youngest is begging to play video games but at least I can be a little bit reassured that it's a bit more controlled.  

Liberty

As a celebration of getting through this first year of my separation I organized what I called a “liberty dinner”. Sort of on the same line as a “divorce party” that is gaining popularity these days. It was a chance for me to reclaim myself and to show my friends that life is good and I am doing well. I truly love my life and am happier now than I have ever been. Being a mother is one of the greatest joys of my life and making that decision a year ago that the life we were living wasn’t healthy was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself and my children. As crazy as the day-to-day is right now, it is much better than before because now there is peace in our life. I think it’s difficult for some people to see past the image of the perfect family. What is a perfect family? Would my children have been happier if mom and dad were in the same house but not acting and loving each other as a family? I think it’s a difficult question to answer. I don’t know the perfect right answer and it’s probably quite different from one family to another but I do feel confident that, for my children and myself, this was the right move- and I felt the need to celebrate this moment. Now, at the same time, I feel it’s important to mention that this was purely my celebration. As much as I feel better to have marked this moment in our life- I would never involve my children in the celebration. They love their father, as they should, and now when it’s ‘daddy-time’, it’s quality ‘daddy-time’ and that is also a reason to celebrate.

Perfect Easter Weekend

I love this time of year in Montreal!  We've been hibernating for so long during the winter that I find it so exciting to hear and see the Canada Geese flying overhead, seeing the buds on the trees start to appear, and seeing the tulips emerging from the ground.  Everybody is out and about - I even saw a women sunbathing on her balcony in her bikini on Friday.  This year was especially great because my boys are getting bigger and it's getting easier to take them out by myself.  It was actually pleasant going to the park this weekend.  Instead of both of them running in opposite directions (like toddlers do sometimes) they were playing together and (gasp) taking turns!  I was scared to pinch myself in fear that I would wake up to see that it was only a dream :)  It's nice to see that despite all the difficult behaviour that they often show- they are capable of playing together really nicely. It's also very exciting to know that, as time goes on, I will be able to go on more and more outings with them by myself without fear of losing one of them or having a nervous breakdown!  If the sun clears later today I might even attempt the ecomuseum.

Toddler Nightime Woes

Nightime is always unpredictable at my house.  With two little boys aged 2 and 3 I often find one crawling into my bed in the middle of the night.  I don't mind- I just pick them up, plop them next to me and we can all have a good night's sleep.  The problem occurs when both wake up at the same time!  This is one of the moments when being a single mom is the most difficult. Putting them both in bed with me doesn't work because one always bothers the other one usually my 2 year old bothering his older brother.  If I bring them back to their room, I end up awake between them trying to coax them back to sleep.  Last night was one of those nights. We tried to stay in the same bed, didn't work.  I brought my 2 year old back to his bed and asked my three year old to stay in my bed.  Just as I was lying next to my two year old in his bed and he's almost asleep, my three year old comes in the room.  Wakes us all up again.  Now they are both in their own beds and I am still with my two year old in his little toddler bed.... Just when I'm sure that he is now sleeping and I can finally return to my own bed- he meows (pretending to be a cat).  As funny as that sounds (two year olds are so unpredicatable) it is very frustrating at 4:30 in the morning!  I stayed for about 20 minutes more- finally they are both asleep.  Of course, by then it was 5:15 in the morning, half an hour before my alarm goes off.  Being a mother of two toddlers is never without surprises!

Toddlers and Vegetables

I have two boys and if I were to combine their eating habits, they would be very good eaters eating a wonderfully balanced diet!  The problem is that one eats the vegetables, the other eats the meat.  I'm not too concerned about the one who doesn't like meat because he does eat chicken, peanut butter beans, milk- he's still getting his protein.  My son who doesn't like vegetables is a more complex issue. If I make a chicken fried rice with vegetables, he can actually take his fork and expertly manipulate it to get the rice and avoid the vegetables- great for his hand-eye-coordination but not so great for his nutrition.  I've seen a lot of recipes on ways to sneak vegetables in the foods they eat.  They often involve pureeing the cooked vegetable and sneaking it into something like a brownie.- Great idea but, honestly, I don't have time for that.  I need to find other ways to sneak them in that is easy in my schedule.  Here are some things that have worked for me but I'm always looking for more ideas!

Find meals you already make to sneak in vegetables, easily.
My son loves spaghetti so when I make a spaghetti sauce I do sneak in some extra vegetables.  I choose vegetables that are easy to just grate like zucchini or carrots so that it doesn't really make it more work than it usually did before.
I also sneak in grated zucchini in meatloaf which my little meat-lover adores!
My son also loves vegetable soup (he didn't know that it was vegetables as I blended the soup with an immersion blender before serving it.

Fruit juice with hidden vegetables.
V8 makes a juice now called V8 fusion- it tastes like fruit but actually has vegetables in it too.  Some are better than others so I had to test out a few flavours- my son was able to detect the vegetables. 
I don't regularly give them juice anyway so it was actually a treat for both of them.

Smoothies.
Here is my favourite way to sneak vegetables into their diet.  My kids adore smoothies.  I throw in whatever frozen fruit I have on hand, some milk, yogourt, a touch of chocolate powder and, when they aren't looking, a few baby spinach leaves.  Once it's all blended they can't see it and the fruit and chocolate are the dominant flavours.  I've even added half an avocade once which gave it a really creamy consitency.  For added nutrition throw in some ground flax seeds.  A really great tip I got was to freeze the leftovers in popsicle molds.

Feeding children is not always easy and when you are already busy with work and life- tackling  this problem is especially daunting.  Finding easy tips to incorporate into your regular routine is important.  Now I can feel better that my son is at least eating some vegetables. 

Winter "stuff"

Winter has hit and being the mom of two toddlers I know how difficult it can be to keep track of everybody's winter "stuff". Hats, gloves, scarves always seem to be missing in those crucial minutes before we have to head out the door in the morning. My solution is simple: have lots of extras. Dollarama's selection of winter hats, gloves and scarves has greatly improved over the years. I went and loaded up on all different hats and mittens for my kids so that I would always have some when I needed even if something got lost outside or is hiding under the couch. One piece that I particularly liked for toddlers was a neckwarmer shaped like a turtleneck. It's got a turtleneck and two pieces of material for the front and the back. I like it because it stays on, no risk of strangulation and it also covers some of their back and chest.

Steam Mop

My house always seems upside down! It seems that the mess keeps piling up quicker than I can clean up so I often feel like it's a losing battle. Because of this, I'm always looking for ways to cut corners. One way I found was by investing in a steam mop. No more pulling out the mop and bucket. A steam mop has a small water dispenser that emits steam at the base and I can clean all of my floors without a bucket of dirty water. I know this sounds like a commercial but it truly is a timesaver- I don't even need any floor cleaner as the steam does a great job on it's own although I sometimes put just a little on the floor to get that lemony scent :) It's quiet so I can mop while the kids are napping and all I have to do when I'm done is throw the reusable base pad in the wash. I sometimes regret buying products from infomercials as they never end up being as good as it seemed on tv but this is one product I am very thankful for! There are many steam mops on the market nowadays that are probably pretty comparable but I bought the H2O Mop from Thane Canada.

Making Ends Meet- Living on a Budget

Living on one income is sometimes difficult when you are a single mom. I wish I could have a nice cushion for emergencies but the truth is money is tight! After the separation I found myself with one income, numerous debts and two little mouths to feed. Here are seven steps that I'm using to make it work financially.

1. Make a monthly bills spreadsheet. All of my regular bills like rent, electricity, phone, credit cards are all organized on a spread sheet. It really helps me to visually see all of my bills all on one page. It also makes it easy to see when bills are due and if they have been paid. I also added an interest column so I could see the amount of interest I was paying each month. This is a great way to keep myself accountible and to see how much money is being wasted each month on interest.
2. Stop adding debt! The first thing I did was cut up my credit cards and decided to live on cash. Trust me, this was very scary! I couldn't make an emergency pit stop at the grocery store anymore, I couldn't buy the cute jeans for the boys on a whim anymore and I couldn't just pick up the boys to go to the zoo. Everything had to be calculated and allotted in the budget.
3. If you do have debt, make yourself a get out of debt plan. My next step is to get rid of the debt that I already had. I made a list of all of my credit cards and put them in order of interest rate. The one with the highest interest rate was my first mission. Pay that one off first. Of course I still make the minimum payments on the other cards but whenever I have a little extra cash I make sure to pay off that one. It also helped that the balance of that first card was also low so that I was able to pay it off rather quickly. Knowing that one card is gone is such a wonderful feeling and really motivating. My other balances are a bit higher so I know that it will take me some time to pay them off but as long as I stick to the plan and don't add debt I am sure that I will be able to do it.
4. Make a meal plan according to what's on sale. A really important part of living on a budget is looking through the grocery store flyers and making a meal plan for the week according to the specials. It's unbelievable how much you can save by only eating the meat that's on sale that week. Meat goes on sale in rotation so you can be sure that every few weeks the type of meat you want to eat will be on sale. Make the meatloaf when the groundbeef is on sale, make the roast chicken when the chicken is on sale, etc. I also like to make extra so that I can freeze it to have it available when I want later. I always have a container of meat sauce or chili in the freezer ready to go.
5. Buy the essentials when they go on sale. Things like detergent or toilet paper goes on sale all of the time. You should never buy these items at full price if you can help it. Same goes for shampoo, soap, diapers, etc. I am also always on the lookout when non-perishable food items are on sale so that I can stock up. Pasta, canned beans, canned soups, rice ... all of these things go on sale quite often.
6. Don't eat meat every night. One of the reasons my grocery bills were always so high was that I was making meat at every dinnertime meal. This can be pricey! Taking a couple of nights to have vegetarian meals can be healthy, budget friendly and is even good for the environment.
7. Find all of the free activities happening in your neighborhood. Entertaining children can be expensive but it doesn't have to be. When I started having to greatly reduce my monthly entertainment budget I was surprised how many free or cheap events there were for the family around the city. It just takes a little searching. There are things like Shakespeare in the park, movies in the park, family days around town, cultural festivals... a lot of things are free you just have to look for them. I also found that sometimes we could go to the local park and have a picnic and it was just as fun a day as it would have been spending it at the zoo which could cost more than $20.00 a person!

Kids Clothes

Kids grow so fast I feel like I'm always buying them new clothes. It can get really expensive! I'm lucky that I have two boys close in age so I can use hand-me-downs for my youngest son but I'm still always looking for good sales. I came across I really great Canadian store for kids clothes: Please Mum. I live in Quebec, so unfortunately there are no actual Please Mum boutiques around here but I have ordered from their website quite a few times. They have really nice, good quality clothes at reasonable prices. I often shop in the clearance section and I am amazed at some of the deals I can get. There is even free shipping when you spend over $100. On top of the clearance prices there are often also specials that happen periodically. I was really impressed with the quality especially for the price that I paid. Check it out!!

Website: http://www.pleasemum.com/

Every Other Weekend

Sometimes co-parenting has it's perks. It's nice to have a fixed time where the kids are with their father and I can just relax. It's sometimes difficult - the first time was really hard to see them sleep away from home, but, when I see that they really enjoy spending time with their father, I take advantage of that time. I often take it to reconnect with my friends. Since my oldest son was born, time with my friends (who don't have kids) diminished quite a bit. Now that I am seperated, I, strangely enough, have more time to see my friends. It is also without the guilt of leaving my kids. It took me a long time to get to this place in my mind and sometimes I hate having to negotiate everything with their father but I must admit I do like having a bit more me time. It's also a time when I can do that deep cleaning that sometimes seems impossible with two toddlers running around.

Nap Time

I just got them both down for their nap! It's not always easy to do especially since they share a room and sometimes encourage each other to stay up. It's a lot easier though since I try to keep their routine the same everyday. Even at daycare they take their naps or eat their snacks at around the same time each day. Routine has definitely kept me sane over these past couple of years. I think that's one really important tip with young children: have a consistent routine. It cuts out a lot of arguing because the kids know that it's not negotiable. It's also not perfect- there are nights when one or both of them refuses to go to bed but for the most part they do.
Another thing that has kept me sane is that during their nap time it is Mommy time! I try not to do too much housework during that time because I use it to relax. I often would catch up on the episodes of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy that I slept through during the week or catch up on some reading. It really helps me re-energize to be able to be a better mom when I have those couple of hours on the weekend for myself.

SOS Cuisine

Here's a website that really helps me stay organized! It's a Canadian website that actually emails you a weekly meal plan according to the specials found in your local grocery stores. The website also lists the local specials in a nicely organized table- it even highlights the best deal. The website also has a huge collection of recipes that outline the nutritional value and cost per serving. It's a fantastic find.

website: http://www.soscuisine.com/

Hello!

I'm a new single mom of two little boys (11 months apart). My oldest is almost 2 1/2 and my youngest is 18 months. My life is certainly not boring! On top of that I am also a working mom. I am constantly running around after my two little boys and they keep me so busy I actually weigh 30 lbs less now than I did before I had children. On my journey as a single working mom I come across many different resources which help me and I created this blog to help other moms too. Although it's coming from my perspective, I'm hoping it will be completely relevent to most moms.